I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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