Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
