final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
