I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
