Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
