I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
