please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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