I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
