I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
