Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
