she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is Oprah even human
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
