I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
