I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dignity is for republicans.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
