we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
