If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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