How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
