Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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