the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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