I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
