he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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