he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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