Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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