This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
