what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
