I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
