You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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