he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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