Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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