I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
