To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
