You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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