Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
