saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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