I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
