If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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