I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
