my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
