history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
