Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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