i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
