After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
