Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize