I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
