I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
