Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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