4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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