I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
