I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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