Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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