had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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