watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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