dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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