hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
